Stuff Stephen Hates #8: Stuff White People Like

Ok. What the crap? Stuff White people like used to be funny. It was clever. It was the impetus for this blog. Then...well, i have no idea what happened. maybe it was the book deal. but it just started to get boring. Annoyingly boring. I had to remove it from my RSS feed. I suppose at some point it was bound to happen. I mean, There are only so many ways you can say "aren't upper middle class white people silly" but i still expected at least a few more posts. I totally blame the book deal. The site author probably began to this that he/she was an actual writer, when in reality he/she'd just created a meme of sorts. And memes, almost by definition, burn out. And you're certainly did, Stuff White People like writer. oh well. You have been officially cut from the roster, Stuff White People like.

Stuff Stephen Hates #7: The most annoying sound in the world; or, SAY BITCH BE COOL!

Goddamn. I don’t have a lot of time, but I just need to cover this one while its fresh. Fucking Goddamn I CAN NOT STAND the noise that kids make when they’re unhappy. Tho, I guess, it serves an important biological/evolutionary purpose. The kids yell needs to be imposible to ignore so that hwen it happens, adults everywhere must…MUST…listen. But shit, its fucking amazing. However, I think I’ve noticed that the scream is far more tolerable when it seems justified in some way. Like the kid’s hungry. Or the kid’s hurt. Or anything. But when its just some fucking brat who can’t fucking sit still because his mom won’t pay attention to him, then… then… it is at its worst. When its some kid who was just told he couldn’t have a toy… then…. Holy shit, its like a siren that cuts through any other sound and stabs your brain like a white hot spear. There could be fucking war going on. A bomb could have just detonated 3 feet from me and I miraculously survived…and I’d hear that scream and it would still piss me off. I could be battling ninjas and I’d hear it. But, if I were battling ninjas, I’d run over there and slice the little fucker’s head off. Scream now, brat! HAHAHAH!

Gotta study, or I’d write more. Thank god, that kid’s leaving now. I think kids should be kept thoroughly intoxicated for the first 3-5 years of life. Clearly, Aldos Huxley was onto something with Soma… One for me to forget the pain… one for the brat to shut him up… one more for me because my pain’s big.

Out.

Stuff Stephen Hates #6: Guillermo Vargas (that Mother Fucker)

Ooooooo... I just read about and I NEED to dedicate a hate message to this guy. So, apparently this mother fucker, Guillermo Vargas thinks he's an artist. And he decided to take a stray dog off of the street, tie it up in a gallery and say "look! ART!," and let the poor thing starve to death. And apparently people agreed and said "wow, we're dumb... that's gotta be art because and artist said it was art therefore, it must be art. This mother fucker. He says that it was intended to send a message about the thousands of other dogs out there that starve to death every day. Well, ya know what asshole, you DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL A DOG YOURSELF!!! If I had been in the musuem, I would have, at least fed the thing, if not rescue it myself. What the fuck did the poor dog do to you, you son of a bitch! And now, apparently another gallery wants to give him a "showing." What's next, fucker? A bum? Tie up some poor homeless guy and have patrons throw rocks and tin cans at him? You sick fuck? The poor dog didn't have to die. Don't dodge it. YOU KILLED IT! You fucker. ugh... if I had more time, I write for page after page about how much I hate this guy right now... but I've got shit to do. Let it be known.... this ass hole is the official king of assholes. I hope someone hits you with a Mac truck, mother fucker.

I am here to officially say that not everything is art. I'm all for pushing peoples' boundaries. and if you want to hurt yourself and call it are, go ahead. If you want to drive nails thru your penis, go ahead. If you want to starve yourself, go ahead. But not the dog. Dogs are great; they love you unconditionally; they're there for you when you need them; and they would never understand why some sick fuck would tie them up and let them starve to death. I hope you rot in hell, fucker. You sick dirty dog-killing dick head asshole fuck face bastard.

love,
stephen

Stephen Hates apologies: #1

I'm sure this won't be the last apology, so I added a tag and its one post heading. So, I just realized that the last post made me a bit of a hypocrite. I encouraged a friend to go to an event that, among other things, is an awards ceremony. And I said all the things like "you'll be happy you went" and "its an honor" and all that other stuff... And I believed it when I said it. I'm a hypocrite. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maximum fucking culpa. no one should listen to me. I'm a selfish bastard.

ok. i'm not helping myself.

Stuff Stephen Hates #5: People who measure the lengths of their dicks by the size of their GPAs

Dear Christ..... there's just so fucking much about law school that I hate. I could write an entire blog about it, post every day for 10 years, and still come no where near listing all of the things that I hate about law school. But this time of year always makes me think of what may be the one thing I hate the most: people who seem to think that their worth as human beings is directly proportional to the size of their GPAs. Or, if you're the few people I'm thinking of in particular, those guys who clearly are lacking girth in their dicks and feel the need to compensate by waving their grades in your face. Like that's supposed to mean something. First, because of the moronic grading policy at law schools across this country, by definition, MOST ATTORNEYS DO NOT HAVE A AVERAGES! Most... most.. meaning, famous people, rich people, great litigators, amazing negotiators, judges, practitioners, philanthropists... it doenst fucking matter. What I'm trying to say is, just because your grades are good DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOING TO BE A GREAT ATTORNEY! All it really means is that you figured out how to play the law school game faster and better than someone else. That's it. In fact, because of the moronic grading policy, you could score a 10/100 and still get an A+ if everyone else scored 9/10. Or if everyone in the class scored 99/100 then everyone would get a C because everyone would be average! what the fuck! That's fucking INSANE! The thing I hate most about it is that it makes people who don't necessarily get the best grades feel like they are worth less than the person who has the higher grades. They feel like they're dumb. or can't be lawyers. or whatever. I see it all too frequently... people thinking that there is something wrong with them because they don't get all As... well, you know what.... IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!!!!

Now, I do well in school. I am not at all ashamed of how I've done. but I don't talk about it... why? Because I don't put genuine worth in it. Because it is not a measuring stick. It is NOT something that makes me better, more capable, smarter, or any fucking thing else more than anyone else. And because, ultimately, it doesnt fucking matter. I want people to like me because I'm a nice guy.. not because I got an A in legal writing. Ya know what? I DID get an A in legal writing. WhooptyFUCKINGdo!

And I'm not proud. I feel like I've stumbled thru school...thru life....by luck and a little bit of hard work. But the only reason I work hard is because I'm neurotic and its comforting.
And because I'm scared of failure. Because, much like how mass media has given me a skewed sense of self, grade talk for my whole life has given me a skewed sense of worth and success. Because, in my mind I naturally, and SADLY, equate success with income and with grades. And I'M TERRIFIED AT BEING A FAILURE! But I'd much rather just be happy. I'd much rather just accept life at what it is. And that's what these cockknockers who whip out their grades like yardsticks for their dick size need as well. Congratulations on getting a good grade, now move on.

We all need to understand that success should not be measured by grades, or income, or job, or cock length. Success should be measured by your friends. By your value as a human being. I hope that when I die, no one--NO ONE!--will say "well, he did well in school" or "well, he made a lot of money," but instead, people will say "he was a genuinely good guy....a guy who'd help me out if I really needed it... and I'm glad I knew him, if only for a short while."

Grades are not a measure of worth. Income is not a measure of worth. A job in a big firm is not a measure of worth. We have been fooled by society to think that these things really matter... fuck them. fuck them. FUCK THEM! "You are more than the sum of what you consume; desire is NOT AN OCCUPATION!...Lets stop praying for someone to save us and start saving ourselves...this is your life. This is your fucking life."

But ya know what... I clearly lost what the point was here. I don't hate anyone who does well. I don't hate anyone who does better than me. And I don't hate anyone whose grades are not as good as mine. But who I do hate are those people--and you know who I'm talking about--those people who feel the need to talk about their class rank whenever they get the chance. Or their jobs... or whatever the fuck else. Those people who do it maliciously to feel better about themselves because they scored higher on an exam. And that... that... is bullshit. Please please please... keep striving for good grades... that's good. but don't 'casually' mention your CALI awards because you're looking for some sort of affirmation of worth from me. Grades don't impress me.

I hate competition. I hate feeling like I need to beat other people. But that is exactly the mentality that this place fosters. fuck it.

I can already feel negative comments coming to me because of this one... but anyone reading this should already know this is how I feel. And to be clear, this is mostly in reference to the up coming honors reception: aka, one giant circle jerk for the "smart kids." NO circle jerk for me, thank you very much. I know I did well... that's enough.

done.

Stuff Stephen Hates #4: people who can't read to themselves

GAAAAAAAa! I remember a time when I couldn't read without saying the words out loud. I think I was in second grade! Since then, I, like most people, have developed the ability to read to myself. I don't need to quietly (or not so quietly) mouth the words. I can just read them. Like, for instance, while I type this, is my mouth moving? NO!!! And you know why? BECAUSE I'M READING TO MYSELF!!!!!! GAAAAAAA!!!

Now, you may be saying to yourself (probably without actually saying anyting, because you're probably READING TO YOURSELF!!!!) "but Stephen, perhaps they don't realize they are making noises. Perhaps they are unconsciously reading out loud."
HOW DOES THAT MAKE IT ANY BETTER!!!!! Gaaa!!!!

*pant pant pant* I can't believe I have to get angry about this shit!

It's real simple for all you out loud readers out there. First, listen to yourself! Many people have the problem that they never actually pay any attention to anything outside of themselves.... so, reading out loud doesn't bother them because they have no fucking concept of the fact that other people are trying to do things/concentrate and those little whispers are totally audible and they are driving me FUCKING INSANE! (Little whispers are worse than a noisy din in many ways because my ears train on the quiet noise trying to figure out what it is). Second, reading to yourself is totally ok, when you're alone. Sure, sometimes when I'm proof reading, I'll read aloud to avoid editing mistakes. I do this in the privacy of my apartment....where no one, no one, no one! can hear me! GAAA!!! Third, if you must read out loud while in public, please, please please please please don't do it while in an othewise totally quiet class room while other people (me) are trying to study. GAAA!! Fourth, just try to be aware of your surroundings. Ok, what was I thinking... these people can't possibly do that.

Stuff Stephen Hates #3: the flash of the ass crack; or, /slapface! Cover that shit up! (addendum)

So, one of my beloved readers tipped me off to a story posted on TMZ about celebrity ass crack. Robbie Williams, in particular, amazes me. I mean, most of the others are accidential bending over incidents. (or in Jack Black's case, clearly intentional). But Robbie Williams has like his whole ass hanging out. COVER THAT SHIT UP!!!

Stuff Stephen Hates #3: the flash of the ass crack; or, /slapface! Cover that shit up!

What the fuck? I think that I could probably start every post with ‘what the fuck?’ I’ll try not to. I think I must have ass-crack radar or something, because I feel like ever time someone flashes the crack, I see it. The specific event that prompted this post is that yesterday, I was at the gym and there was this dude working out whose ass was just flappin’ in the wind. It wasn’t so much crack as it was full-upper lobes. What the fuck? I just don’t get it, you’d think that people would be more self-conscious than that. You’d think they say to themselves “hey, my ass is cold. Whopse… that’s because its not inside my pants. Oopsie! My bad.” But no, I see crack all the fucking time. And what’s particularly amazing to me is that, while the stereotype is of the plumper dude flashing his crack, I definitely see more chick-crack than dude-crack. For example, I was at a restaurant a little while ago and at the bar, there was this couple on a date. I think it was probably only their first or second time out. And this woman—who was really good looking mind you—was really into this guy. She was all leaning into him, giggling at his stupid jokes, sipping her drink thru its little straw. (That straw, by the way, is not really for drinking. It’s really a stir stick. Trust me… But whatever… that not a “thing Stephen hates. Its more like a “thing that Stephen thinks everyone needs to know). And as she leaned forward, she clearly exposed her crack to the world. No thong. No nothing. Just bare ass crack. Ugh. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I wanted to go up to her and say “excuse me, your crack is showing.” Or “hey, do you know where I can get some good crack?” Or maybe just drop a pen down the crack and see if she notices.” But instead I just stared in dumbfounded amazement.
Now, some of you guys out there might be saying “what’s your problem?!?!?! You got to see some chick’s ass!” Yea, well, despite Brainiac’s totally brilliant study, I see that crack and just get this overwhelming urge to slap myself in the face. Bum cleavage just doesn’t do it for me. Instant turn off. She went from good looking to goddamn-please-dear-god-Cover-that-shit-up in about 1 second. Take this for example

Yup… that’s Kate Beckinsale. Now, ordinarily I’d say that she’s incredibly good looking… but. That. Crack. Gaaaaaa! Why, Kate? Why?
I think the problem comes from wearing pants low on your hips. (I won’t even start with those low rise skirts. Here’s the quick version: I’m not a fan). Now, I love the way low rise pants look… But I think they make you extra susceptible to crack-exposure. So here is Stephen’s guide to safe low-rise pants wearing. Its quite simple, really:

1. Before bending over, do a quick mental check on where the top of your undies is. If it is below your waist band DON’T FUCKING BEND OVER WITHOUT HIKING IT UP!!!! Or, pull down your shirt. Or just don’t bend at the waist. Its bad for your back anyway. Bend at the knees, guys.

2. if you’re a guy, wear boxers. Simple solution that’s good for so many. Not only does boxers natural tendency to ride up prevent accidental ass crack exposure, they lead to a healthier sperm count, are way more comfortable, and come in an assortment of different colors and patterns. However, if they are not riding up, see number 1.

3. if you’re a girl, you could wear boxers…but I suppose they aren’t really sexy (or something. I think most guys would barely notice… but why ask me?… I’m not a guy or anything.) I think the magic rule for girls is, RULE NUMBER 1. Just a little pull up or down can be sooo effective.

4. If you’re sitting at a bar, be extra careful. Since there is no back, bar stools are conducive to ass crack exposure. I haven’t figure out a sure fire trick here. Just be careful

You’ll notice that I did not include a “5. If you’re not wearing underwear…” Look, I just don’t get that. I tried not wearing undies once and I was like ‘THIS IS SOOOOO GODDAMN UNCOMFORTABLE! OWOW OWO OW WO!’ Its itchy in all the bad places. Its scratchy in that kind of “I think I have a laceration in a very sensitive location” kind of way. And you’re just asking for the crack to come out. So don’t do it. Worried about a line? Well don’t; its not a big deal. Seriously. It’s not a big deal. Think its sexy? Nope, sorry, its not. (minor confessional: I LIKE the way women look in undies. It’s sexy.) Think about the few of us who suffer with the ass crack radar and are forced to see that dark, evil crevice each time it makes it appearance. Keep the crack in its home. It’s its home. Don’t you want to go to your home? Ladies. Its not attractive. Sorry. Its not even suggestive. Put it away. Put away the crack.

Stuff Stephen Hates Special Edition (guest hater) #1: Stuff Sarah Hates: Tax

Ahhh tax.... no, not taxES (the thing you have to play)... at least, not today. No, today is dedicated to Tax Law, the evil evil law school class. Now, personally I have "avoided tax like the plague" as I have said many times. As I see it, the reason we have a whole industry of people called "accountants" and a whole division of law called "tax law" wherein there are specialists in this field is because no human being should be forced to fuck with the tax code against his/her will. So, I never took tax. It's not even on the fucking Ohio Bar! Why, you ask, then does anyone take it? Mind you, the Supreme Court has said that the Tax code is so fucking difficult that you can legitimately claim ignorance of the law (in narrow circumstances). In fact, its so fucking difficult that neither the law writers nor the IRS nor the accountants really know the law. That's how tax attorneys have their jobs: they spend all day every day figuring out loopholes that are buried in the code to exploit. Nice. Now, I'm all about screwing the government out of some money: that is, of course, unless you already make too much money and YOU SHOULD BE PAYING YOUR TAXES!!!! I'm not looking at good philanthropists like Bill Gates. I'm looking at your average rich fuck. Anyway... back to tax law. Why does anyone take it? Well, because everyone says "you need tax! All lawyers know tax! Its lawyer stuff. We make it a 2L preference course because its sooooo important" Bull shit. I call bull shit on that. bull shit bull shit bull shit. And so, when the peer pressure machine that is lax school comes a callin' 2Ls everywhere listen. I can hardly blame them. I was in tax. for a day. And I dropped it like a bAAAAAAAAAd habit. But I hear so many of my co-patriots suffer thru tax all the time. Its time we took a stand. Leave tax to the people who like that shit. Here: "Dear Dean Tobin (the guy who teaches the "tax course for the normal people" at Moritz). Your class is worthless. No, i take that back. It has negative worth. Any class that puts students thru that much stress for something we should totally leave to the accountants has negative worth. Any class that make students worry this much about one stupid non-bar class (not including me, because I worry about everything) has negative worth. It draws happiness from the world. Yes, tax is like a happiness black hole. It actually sucks happiness out of the universe and we have no idea what happens on the other end... except pain and death at the tax-vent horizon. By teaching tax, you are severely contributing to unhappiness in the world. please stop. I'm sure you're a fine person--tho, i have no idea who you are or even what you look like. I'm sure you aren't evil yourself. Stop the madness. Tell 2Ls that they don't really need it. Or at least try to make it manageable. But really, Its like any other specialized law class: entirely intended for people who want to practice in that area." Tax blows goats. Tax blows blue whale. Tax is a boil on the ass of law school. leave it to the tax-o-philes. weird-os who find sick pleasure in knowing what you can or can't claim. Its like a poser of a class... it pretends its cool, but really it just bought the uniform. stop the pain. (in the spirit of full disclosure, my grandfather was a tax attorney and made a lot of money doing it and I dont hate him.. but I have a sneaky feeling like he had some shady dealings.)

woot. first guest hater post. This blog is uber fun.

Stuff Stephen Hates #2: meetings

I had a different #2 all planned, and then I got this email:

" This message has been sent at the request of your course instructor to remind you of the following event:

	Course:	I/S: A Journal of Law and Policy for the Information Society
	Event:	Board Meeting
	Start time:	Tuesday, March 25, 2008 12:10 PM Eastern Daylight Time
	End time:	Tuesday, March 25, 2008 1:00 PM Eastern Daylight Time

Reminder: Board meeting in the journal suite. Please remember to update the dry erase board before the meeting. "

every two goddamn weeks we have another worthless fucking meeting wherein we talk about bullshit for entirely too long. But its not just I/S meetings that are worthless....most meetings are worthless. I know that I DON'T CARE about what is being said. Ever. And I doubt anyone else does. At least, anyone except the person who is moderating the meeting. then, you know that person wants to talk... or maybe she doesn't. Who knows. All i Know is that I'm sick and fucking tired of meetings. And have you ever noticed how they always take at least 2 times as long as they should? Here is the standard I/S meeting: Erin: "hey guys... lets talk about what's going on with articles." First, that could totally be done via email. Second, that should take about 2 minutes total. It always. always. takes 10. Then, Erin: "So, we really need to get this work out there... blah blah blah." That should take 2 minutes. It always. always takes longer. Then, FUCKING CARLA NEEDS TO SAY SOMETHING. Why carla? why do you need to speak at all. just shut the fuck up. no one wants to hear your annoying voice anyway. Then, Erin: "Look at the calander and here is what's happening in the near future." That should take no longer than 5 minutes. It always always takes at least 10. In the end, I have to sit thru lunch, missing Prof. Lee's office hours that I've been trying to get to for the past month, for a whole goddamn hour. Here's your average meeting with Swire. "So, this should only take 1/2 hour." at least one hour later, sometimes more: "So, how does that all sound?" Gaaa! I fucking hate meetings.

Stuff Stephen Hates #1: will.i.am

In the spirit of the political season, the first thing that boils my blood today is will.i.am and the disgusting pretension of his campaign for Barak Obama. First, just to clarify, I like Barry Obama. (see Stuff White People like #8: Barak Obama), but I DO NOT like that people to want to force him down my throat like trying to get a dog to swallow a pill by coating it in peanut butter, rubbing it on the back of his tongue, and then holding his head back until his gives up. What is more, I really liked the idea of will.i.am's video when I first heard about it. Sounds pretty interesting, right? Take a bunch of inspirational quotes from Barry himself, set them to music, yes we can yes we can. Sounds pretty groovy. But something was rotten in the state of youtube. I mean, will.i.am is the same guy who cleverly disguised his song "Let's get Retarded" by changing the title to the significantly less sickeningly offensive "Let's get it started." And will.i.am is the same guy who gave Fergie a career. And he's even in Fergalicious and My Humps with the "brilliant" lyrics of 'Whatcha gonna do with all that junk inside that trunk?' and HE FUCKING CALLS HIMSELF WILL.I.AM! From now on I will only go as Step.he.n. Yes. Step.he.n. BRILLIANT!

Anyway, Then you watch the video. Ugh...I had to watch it again just for this post.. and it pisses me off. The black and white. Fucking Scarlet Johanson. The chanting. YES WE CAN. YES WE CAN. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Its like a goddamn Apple commercial (and I'm a Mac user... but damn I hate the smell of pretension). And what's the worst part of it? People sending it to you saying "watch this. It'll change you life" like they are Natalie Portman and Obama is the fucking Shins or something. Blech.

Then, as if to add insult to injury, he released a follow up video.

And I think its even worse. I don't give two shits about what Jessica Alba thinks. You know what? She's not that hot. And I don't care if she's all preggers. And I hate these goddamn videos!

Still, I guess at least it inspired this.
now that, is comic genius.

I like Barry. I'll happily vote for him in november. And not just because I hate John McCain. But FUCK! If I have to hear will.i.am tell me to vote for him any more, I may loose it. But anyway, successful first post!

#0: Stephen Hates: an introduction

So, about a week ago, a friend of mine introduced me to the blog "Stuff White People Like." It is, most definitely NOT something Stephen hates. In fact, I quite enjoy it, tho I'm more than a little bit disturbed by the fact that I actually do like an amazing amount of the things listed on the site. (See the upcoming post (number unknown yet) "Stephen hates being a statistic"). But it got me thinking...if this guy (or girl, i have no idea) can make an enjoyable blog that people actually read out of just making fun of White culture (actually, I'd say White middle class and possibly gen-x culture, but whatever), then what can I do that would get me read by more than my brother and sister? And I realized....I have a lot of hate in my heart, and its time to let it all out. Thus, the theme of this blog. But I have a request from you millions and millions of readers out there in the interweb. Please, send me suggestions and I will add them to Stuff Stephen Hates. And if I don't hate it myself, well then, I can add it in a special post. Like "Stuff Stephen hates special edition: something Andrew hates." So, with no further ado... on to the hate.