Stuff Stephen Hates #3: the flash of the ass crack; or, /slapface! Cover that shit up!

What the fuck? I think that I could probably start every post with ‘what the fuck?’ I’ll try not to. I think I must have ass-crack radar or something, because I feel like ever time someone flashes the crack, I see it. The specific event that prompted this post is that yesterday, I was at the gym and there was this dude working out whose ass was just flappin’ in the wind. It wasn’t so much crack as it was full-upper lobes. What the fuck? I just don’t get it, you’d think that people would be more self-conscious than that. You’d think they say to themselves “hey, my ass is cold. Whopse… that’s because its not inside my pants. Oopsie! My bad.” But no, I see crack all the fucking time. And what’s particularly amazing to me is that, while the stereotype is of the plumper dude flashing his crack, I definitely see more chick-crack than dude-crack. For example, I was at a restaurant a little while ago and at the bar, there was this couple on a date. I think it was probably only their first or second time out. And this woman—who was really good looking mind you—was really into this guy. She was all leaning into him, giggling at his stupid jokes, sipping her drink thru its little straw. (That straw, by the way, is not really for drinking. It’s really a stir stick. Trust me… But whatever… that not a “thing Stephen hates. Its more like a “thing that Stephen thinks everyone needs to know). And as she leaned forward, she clearly exposed her crack to the world. No thong. No nothing. Just bare ass crack. Ugh. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I wanted to go up to her and say “excuse me, your crack is showing.” Or “hey, do you know where I can get some good crack?” Or maybe just drop a pen down the crack and see if she notices.” But instead I just stared in dumbfounded amazement.
Now, some of you guys out there might be saying “what’s your problem?!?!?! You got to see some chick’s ass!” Yea, well, despite Brainiac’s totally brilliant study, I see that crack and just get this overwhelming urge to slap myself in the face. Bum cleavage just doesn’t do it for me. Instant turn off. She went from good looking to goddamn-please-dear-god-Cover-that-shit-up in about 1 second. Take this for example

Yup… that’s Kate Beckinsale. Now, ordinarily I’d say that she’s incredibly good looking… but. That. Crack. Gaaaaaa! Why, Kate? Why?
I think the problem comes from wearing pants low on your hips. (I won’t even start with those low rise skirts. Here’s the quick version: I’m not a fan). Now, I love the way low rise pants look… But I think they make you extra susceptible to crack-exposure. So here is Stephen’s guide to safe low-rise pants wearing. Its quite simple, really:

1. Before bending over, do a quick mental check on where the top of your undies is. If it is below your waist band DON’T FUCKING BEND OVER WITHOUT HIKING IT UP!!!! Or, pull down your shirt. Or just don’t bend at the waist. Its bad for your back anyway. Bend at the knees, guys.

2. if you’re a guy, wear boxers. Simple solution that’s good for so many. Not only does boxers natural tendency to ride up prevent accidental ass crack exposure, they lead to a healthier sperm count, are way more comfortable, and come in an assortment of different colors and patterns. However, if they are not riding up, see number 1.

3. if you’re a girl, you could wear boxers…but I suppose they aren’t really sexy (or something. I think most guys would barely notice… but why ask me?… I’m not a guy or anything.) I think the magic rule for girls is, RULE NUMBER 1. Just a little pull up or down can be sooo effective.

4. If you’re sitting at a bar, be extra careful. Since there is no back, bar stools are conducive to ass crack exposure. I haven’t figure out a sure fire trick here. Just be careful

You’ll notice that I did not include a “5. If you’re not wearing underwear…” Look, I just don’t get that. I tried not wearing undies once and I was like ‘THIS IS SOOOOO GODDAMN UNCOMFORTABLE! OWOW OWO OW WO!’ Its itchy in all the bad places. Its scratchy in that kind of “I think I have a laceration in a very sensitive location” kind of way. And you’re just asking for the crack to come out. So don’t do it. Worried about a line? Well don’t; its not a big deal. Seriously. It’s not a big deal. Think its sexy? Nope, sorry, its not. (minor confessional: I LIKE the way women look in undies. It’s sexy.) Think about the few of us who suffer with the ass crack radar and are forced to see that dark, evil crevice each time it makes it appearance. Keep the crack in its home. It’s its home. Don’t you want to go to your home? Ladies. Its not attractive. Sorry. Its not even suggestive. Put it away. Put away the crack.

Stuff Stephen Hates Special Edition (guest hater) #1: Stuff Sarah Hates: Tax

Ahhh tax.... no, not taxES (the thing you have to play)... at least, not today. No, today is dedicated to Tax Law, the evil evil law school class. Now, personally I have "avoided tax like the plague" as I have said many times. As I see it, the reason we have a whole industry of people called "accountants" and a whole division of law called "tax law" wherein there are specialists in this field is because no human being should be forced to fuck with the tax code against his/her will. So, I never took tax. It's not even on the fucking Ohio Bar! Why, you ask, then does anyone take it? Mind you, the Supreme Court has said that the Tax code is so fucking difficult that you can legitimately claim ignorance of the law (in narrow circumstances). In fact, its so fucking difficult that neither the law writers nor the IRS nor the accountants really know the law. That's how tax attorneys have their jobs: they spend all day every day figuring out loopholes that are buried in the code to exploit. Nice. Now, I'm all about screwing the government out of some money: that is, of course, unless you already make too much money and YOU SHOULD BE PAYING YOUR TAXES!!!! I'm not looking at good philanthropists like Bill Gates. I'm looking at your average rich fuck. Anyway... back to tax law. Why does anyone take it? Well, because everyone says "you need tax! All lawyers know tax! Its lawyer stuff. We make it a 2L preference course because its sooooo important" Bull shit. I call bull shit on that. bull shit bull shit bull shit. And so, when the peer pressure machine that is lax school comes a callin' 2Ls everywhere listen. I can hardly blame them. I was in tax. for a day. And I dropped it like a bAAAAAAAAAd habit. But I hear so many of my co-patriots suffer thru tax all the time. Its time we took a stand. Leave tax to the people who like that shit. Here: "Dear Dean Tobin (the guy who teaches the "tax course for the normal people" at Moritz). Your class is worthless. No, i take that back. It has negative worth. Any class that puts students thru that much stress for something we should totally leave to the accountants has negative worth. Any class that make students worry this much about one stupid non-bar class (not including me, because I worry about everything) has negative worth. It draws happiness from the world. Yes, tax is like a happiness black hole. It actually sucks happiness out of the universe and we have no idea what happens on the other end... except pain and death at the tax-vent horizon. By teaching tax, you are severely contributing to unhappiness in the world. please stop. I'm sure you're a fine person--tho, i have no idea who you are or even what you look like. I'm sure you aren't evil yourself. Stop the madness. Tell 2Ls that they don't really need it. Or at least try to make it manageable. But really, Its like any other specialized law class: entirely intended for people who want to practice in that area." Tax blows goats. Tax blows blue whale. Tax is a boil on the ass of law school. leave it to the tax-o-philes. weird-os who find sick pleasure in knowing what you can or can't claim. Its like a poser of a class... it pretends its cool, but really it just bought the uniform. stop the pain. (in the spirit of full disclosure, my grandfather was a tax attorney and made a lot of money doing it and I dont hate him.. but I have a sneaky feeling like he had some shady dealings.)

woot. first guest hater post. This blog is uber fun.

Stuff Stephen Hates #2: meetings

I had a different #2 all planned, and then I got this email:

" This message has been sent at the request of your course instructor to remind you of the following event:

	Course:	I/S: A Journal of Law and Policy for the Information Society
	Event:	Board Meeting
	Start time:	Tuesday, March 25, 2008 12:10 PM Eastern Daylight Time
	End time:	Tuesday, March 25, 2008 1:00 PM Eastern Daylight Time

Reminder: Board meeting in the journal suite. Please remember to update the dry erase board before the meeting. "

every two goddamn weeks we have another worthless fucking meeting wherein we talk about bullshit for entirely too long. But its not just I/S meetings that are worthless....most meetings are worthless. I know that I DON'T CARE about what is being said. Ever. And I doubt anyone else does. At least, anyone except the person who is moderating the meeting. then, you know that person wants to talk... or maybe she doesn't. Who knows. All i Know is that I'm sick and fucking tired of meetings. And have you ever noticed how they always take at least 2 times as long as they should? Here is the standard I/S meeting: Erin: "hey guys... lets talk about what's going on with articles." First, that could totally be done via email. Second, that should take about 2 minutes total. It always. always. takes 10. Then, Erin: "So, we really need to get this work out there... blah blah blah." That should take 2 minutes. It always. always takes longer. Then, FUCKING CARLA NEEDS TO SAY SOMETHING. Why carla? why do you need to speak at all. just shut the fuck up. no one wants to hear your annoying voice anyway. Then, Erin: "Look at the calander and here is what's happening in the near future." That should take no longer than 5 minutes. It always always takes at least 10. In the end, I have to sit thru lunch, missing Prof. Lee's office hours that I've been trying to get to for the past month, for a whole goddamn hour. Here's your average meeting with Swire. "So, this should only take 1/2 hour." at least one hour later, sometimes more: "So, how does that all sound?" Gaaa! I fucking hate meetings.

Stuff Stephen Hates #1: will.i.am

In the spirit of the political season, the first thing that boils my blood today is will.i.am and the disgusting pretension of his campaign for Barak Obama. First, just to clarify, I like Barry Obama. (see Stuff White People like #8: Barak Obama), but I DO NOT like that people to want to force him down my throat like trying to get a dog to swallow a pill by coating it in peanut butter, rubbing it on the back of his tongue, and then holding his head back until his gives up. What is more, I really liked the idea of will.i.am's video when I first heard about it. Sounds pretty interesting, right? Take a bunch of inspirational quotes from Barry himself, set them to music, yes we can yes we can. Sounds pretty groovy. But something was rotten in the state of youtube. I mean, will.i.am is the same guy who cleverly disguised his song "Let's get Retarded" by changing the title to the significantly less sickeningly offensive "Let's get it started." And will.i.am is the same guy who gave Fergie a career. And he's even in Fergalicious and My Humps with the "brilliant" lyrics of 'Whatcha gonna do with all that junk inside that trunk?' and HE FUCKING CALLS HIMSELF WILL.I.AM! From now on I will only go as Step.he.n. Yes. Step.he.n. BRILLIANT!

Anyway, Then you watch the video. Ugh...I had to watch it again just for this post.. and it pisses me off. The black and white. Fucking Scarlet Johanson. The chanting. YES WE CAN. YES WE CAN. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Its like a goddamn Apple commercial (and I'm a Mac user... but damn I hate the smell of pretension). And what's the worst part of it? People sending it to you saying "watch this. It'll change you life" like they are Natalie Portman and Obama is the fucking Shins or something. Blech.

Then, as if to add insult to injury, he released a follow up video.

And I think its even worse. I don't give two shits about what Jessica Alba thinks. You know what? She's not that hot. And I don't care if she's all preggers. And I hate these goddamn videos!

Still, I guess at least it inspired this.
now that, is comic genius.

I like Barry. I'll happily vote for him in november. And not just because I hate John McCain. But FUCK! If I have to hear will.i.am tell me to vote for him any more, I may loose it. But anyway, successful first post!

#0: Stephen Hates: an introduction

So, about a week ago, a friend of mine introduced me to the blog "Stuff White People Like." It is, most definitely NOT something Stephen hates. In fact, I quite enjoy it, tho I'm more than a little bit disturbed by the fact that I actually do like an amazing amount of the things listed on the site. (See the upcoming post (number unknown yet) "Stephen hates being a statistic"). But it got me thinking...if this guy (or girl, i have no idea) can make an enjoyable blog that people actually read out of just making fun of White culture (actually, I'd say White middle class and possibly gen-x culture, but whatever), then what can I do that would get me read by more than my brother and sister? And I realized....I have a lot of hate in my heart, and its time to let it all out. Thus, the theme of this blog. But I have a request from you millions and millions of readers out there in the interweb. Please, send me suggestions and I will add them to Stuff Stephen Hates. And if I don't hate it myself, well then, I can add it in a special post. Like "Stuff Stephen hates special edition: something Andrew hates." So, with no further ado... on to the hate.