Stuff Stephen Hates #3: the flash of the ass crack; or, /slapface! Cover that shit up!

What the fuck? I think that I could probably start every post with ‘what the fuck?’ I’ll try not to. I think I must have ass-crack radar or something, because I feel like ever time someone flashes the crack, I see it. The specific event that prompted this post is that yesterday, I was at the gym and there was this dude working out whose ass was just flappin’ in the wind. It wasn’t so much crack as it was full-upper lobes. What the fuck? I just don’t get it, you’d think that people would be more self-conscious than that. You’d think they say to themselves “hey, my ass is cold. Whopse… that’s because its not inside my pants. Oopsie! My bad.” But no, I see crack all the fucking time. And what’s particularly amazing to me is that, while the stereotype is of the plumper dude flashing his crack, I definitely see more chick-crack than dude-crack. For example, I was at a restaurant a little while ago and at the bar, there was this couple on a date. I think it was probably only their first or second time out. And this woman—who was really good looking mind you—was really into this guy. She was all leaning into him, giggling at his stupid jokes, sipping her drink thru its little straw. (That straw, by the way, is not really for drinking. It’s really a stir stick. Trust me… But whatever… that not a “thing Stephen hates. Its more like a “thing that Stephen thinks everyone needs to know). And as she leaned forward, she clearly exposed her crack to the world. No thong. No nothing. Just bare ass crack. Ugh. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I wanted to go up to her and say “excuse me, your crack is showing.” Or “hey, do you know where I can get some good crack?” Or maybe just drop a pen down the crack and see if she notices.” But instead I just stared in dumbfounded amazement.
Now, some of you guys out there might be saying “what’s your problem?!?!?! You got to see some chick’s ass!” Yea, well, despite Brainiac’s totally brilliant study, I see that crack and just get this overwhelming urge to slap myself in the face. Bum cleavage just doesn’t do it for me. Instant turn off. She went from good looking to goddamn-please-dear-god-Cover-that-shit-up in about 1 second. Take this for example

Yup… that’s Kate Beckinsale. Now, ordinarily I’d say that she’s incredibly good looking… but. That. Crack. Gaaaaaa! Why, Kate? Why?
I think the problem comes from wearing pants low on your hips. (I won’t even start with those low rise skirts. Here’s the quick version: I’m not a fan). Now, I love the way low rise pants look… But I think they make you extra susceptible to crack-exposure. So here is Stephen’s guide to safe low-rise pants wearing. Its quite simple, really:

1. Before bending over, do a quick mental check on where the top of your undies is. If it is below your waist band DON’T FUCKING BEND OVER WITHOUT HIKING IT UP!!!! Or, pull down your shirt. Or just don’t bend at the waist. Its bad for your back anyway. Bend at the knees, guys.

2. if you’re a guy, wear boxers. Simple solution that’s good for so many. Not only does boxers natural tendency to ride up prevent accidental ass crack exposure, they lead to a healthier sperm count, are way more comfortable, and come in an assortment of different colors and patterns. However, if they are not riding up, see number 1.

3. if you’re a girl, you could wear boxers…but I suppose they aren’t really sexy (or something. I think most guys would barely notice… but why ask me?… I’m not a guy or anything.) I think the magic rule for girls is, RULE NUMBER 1. Just a little pull up or down can be sooo effective.

4. If you’re sitting at a bar, be extra careful. Since there is no back, bar stools are conducive to ass crack exposure. I haven’t figure out a sure fire trick here. Just be careful

You’ll notice that I did not include a “5. If you’re not wearing underwear…” Look, I just don’t get that. I tried not wearing undies once and I was like ‘THIS IS SOOOOO GODDAMN UNCOMFORTABLE! OWOW OWO OW WO!’ Its itchy in all the bad places. Its scratchy in that kind of “I think I have a laceration in a very sensitive location” kind of way. And you’re just asking for the crack to come out. So don’t do it. Worried about a line? Well don’t; its not a big deal. Seriously. It’s not a big deal. Think its sexy? Nope, sorry, its not. (minor confessional: I LIKE the way women look in undies. It’s sexy.) Think about the few of us who suffer with the ass crack radar and are forced to see that dark, evil crevice each time it makes it appearance. Keep the crack in its home. It’s its home. Don’t you want to go to your home? Ladies. Its not attractive. Sorry. Its not even suggestive. Put it away. Put away the crack.