Stuff Stephen Hates #8: Stuff White People Like

Ok. What the crap? Stuff White people like used to be funny. It was clever. It was the impetus for this blog. Then...well, i have no idea what happened. maybe it was the book deal. but it just started to get boring. Annoyingly boring. I had to remove it from my RSS feed. I suppose at some point it was bound to happen. I mean, There are only so many ways you can say "aren't upper middle class white people silly" but i still expected at least a few more posts. I totally blame the book deal. The site author probably began to this that he/she was an actual writer, when in reality he/she'd just created a meme of sorts. And memes, almost by definition, burn out. And you're certainly did, Stuff White People like writer. oh well. You have been officially cut from the roster, Stuff White People like.

Stuff Stephen Hates #7: The most annoying sound in the world; or, SAY BITCH BE COOL!

Goddamn. I don’t have a lot of time, but I just need to cover this one while its fresh. Fucking Goddamn I CAN NOT STAND the noise that kids make when they’re unhappy. Tho, I guess, it serves an important biological/evolutionary purpose. The kids yell needs to be imposible to ignore so that hwen it happens, adults everywhere must…MUST…listen. But shit, its fucking amazing. However, I think I’ve noticed that the scream is far more tolerable when it seems justified in some way. Like the kid’s hungry. Or the kid’s hurt. Or anything. But when its just some fucking brat who can’t fucking sit still because his mom won’t pay attention to him, then… then… it is at its worst. When its some kid who was just told he couldn’t have a toy… then…. Holy shit, its like a siren that cuts through any other sound and stabs your brain like a white hot spear. There could be fucking war going on. A bomb could have just detonated 3 feet from me and I miraculously survived…and I’d hear that scream and it would still piss me off. I could be battling ninjas and I’d hear it. But, if I were battling ninjas, I’d run over there and slice the little fucker’s head off. Scream now, brat! HAHAHAH!

Gotta study, or I’d write more. Thank god, that kid’s leaving now. I think kids should be kept thoroughly intoxicated for the first 3-5 years of life. Clearly, Aldos Huxley was onto something with Soma… One for me to forget the pain… one for the brat to shut him up… one more for me because my pain’s big.

Out.

Stuff Stephen Hates #6: Guillermo Vargas (that Mother Fucker)

Ooooooo... I just read about and I NEED to dedicate a hate message to this guy. So, apparently this mother fucker, Guillermo Vargas thinks he's an artist. And he decided to take a stray dog off of the street, tie it up in a gallery and say "look! ART!," and let the poor thing starve to death. And apparently people agreed and said "wow, we're dumb... that's gotta be art because and artist said it was art therefore, it must be art. This mother fucker. He says that it was intended to send a message about the thousands of other dogs out there that starve to death every day. Well, ya know what asshole, you DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL A DOG YOURSELF!!! If I had been in the musuem, I would have, at least fed the thing, if not rescue it myself. What the fuck did the poor dog do to you, you son of a bitch! And now, apparently another gallery wants to give him a "showing." What's next, fucker? A bum? Tie up some poor homeless guy and have patrons throw rocks and tin cans at him? You sick fuck? The poor dog didn't have to die. Don't dodge it. YOU KILLED IT! You fucker. ugh... if I had more time, I write for page after page about how much I hate this guy right now... but I've got shit to do. Let it be known.... this ass hole is the official king of assholes. I hope someone hits you with a Mac truck, mother fucker.

I am here to officially say that not everything is art. I'm all for pushing peoples' boundaries. and if you want to hurt yourself and call it are, go ahead. If you want to drive nails thru your penis, go ahead. If you want to starve yourself, go ahead. But not the dog. Dogs are great; they love you unconditionally; they're there for you when you need them; and they would never understand why some sick fuck would tie them up and let them starve to death. I hope you rot in hell, fucker. You sick dirty dog-killing dick head asshole fuck face bastard.

love,
stephen

Stephen Hates apologies: #1

I'm sure this won't be the last apology, so I added a tag and its one post heading. So, I just realized that the last post made me a bit of a hypocrite. I encouraged a friend to go to an event that, among other things, is an awards ceremony. And I said all the things like "you'll be happy you went" and "its an honor" and all that other stuff... And I believed it when I said it. I'm a hypocrite. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maximum fucking culpa. no one should listen to me. I'm a selfish bastard.

ok. i'm not helping myself.

Stuff Stephen Hates #5: People who measure the lengths of their dicks by the size of their GPAs

Dear Christ..... there's just so fucking much about law school that I hate. I could write an entire blog about it, post every day for 10 years, and still come no where near listing all of the things that I hate about law school. But this time of year always makes me think of what may be the one thing I hate the most: people who seem to think that their worth as human beings is directly proportional to the size of their GPAs. Or, if you're the few people I'm thinking of in particular, those guys who clearly are lacking girth in their dicks and feel the need to compensate by waving their grades in your face. Like that's supposed to mean something. First, because of the moronic grading policy at law schools across this country, by definition, MOST ATTORNEYS DO NOT HAVE A AVERAGES! Most... most.. meaning, famous people, rich people, great litigators, amazing negotiators, judges, practitioners, philanthropists... it doenst fucking matter. What I'm trying to say is, just because your grades are good DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOING TO BE A GREAT ATTORNEY! All it really means is that you figured out how to play the law school game faster and better than someone else. That's it. In fact, because of the moronic grading policy, you could score a 10/100 and still get an A+ if everyone else scored 9/10. Or if everyone in the class scored 99/100 then everyone would get a C because everyone would be average! what the fuck! That's fucking INSANE! The thing I hate most about it is that it makes people who don't necessarily get the best grades feel like they are worth less than the person who has the higher grades. They feel like they're dumb. or can't be lawyers. or whatever. I see it all too frequently... people thinking that there is something wrong with them because they don't get all As... well, you know what.... IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!!!!

Now, I do well in school. I am not at all ashamed of how I've done. but I don't talk about it... why? Because I don't put genuine worth in it. Because it is not a measuring stick. It is NOT something that makes me better, more capable, smarter, or any fucking thing else more than anyone else. And because, ultimately, it doesnt fucking matter. I want people to like me because I'm a nice guy.. not because I got an A in legal writing. Ya know what? I DID get an A in legal writing. WhooptyFUCKINGdo!

And I'm not proud. I feel like I've stumbled thru school...thru life....by luck and a little bit of hard work. But the only reason I work hard is because I'm neurotic and its comforting.
And because I'm scared of failure. Because, much like how mass media has given me a skewed sense of self, grade talk for my whole life has given me a skewed sense of worth and success. Because, in my mind I naturally, and SADLY, equate success with income and with grades. And I'M TERRIFIED AT BEING A FAILURE! But I'd much rather just be happy. I'd much rather just accept life at what it is. And that's what these cockknockers who whip out their grades like yardsticks for their dick size need as well. Congratulations on getting a good grade, now move on.

We all need to understand that success should not be measured by grades, or income, or job, or cock length. Success should be measured by your friends. By your value as a human being. I hope that when I die, no one--NO ONE!--will say "well, he did well in school" or "well, he made a lot of money," but instead, people will say "he was a genuinely good guy....a guy who'd help me out if I really needed it... and I'm glad I knew him, if only for a short while."

Grades are not a measure of worth. Income is not a measure of worth. A job in a big firm is not a measure of worth. We have been fooled by society to think that these things really matter... fuck them. fuck them. FUCK THEM! "You are more than the sum of what you consume; desire is NOT AN OCCUPATION!...Lets stop praying for someone to save us and start saving ourselves...this is your life. This is your fucking life."

But ya know what... I clearly lost what the point was here. I don't hate anyone who does well. I don't hate anyone who does better than me. And I don't hate anyone whose grades are not as good as mine. But who I do hate are those people--and you know who I'm talking about--those people who feel the need to talk about their class rank whenever they get the chance. Or their jobs... or whatever the fuck else. Those people who do it maliciously to feel better about themselves because they scored higher on an exam. And that... that... is bullshit. Please please please... keep striving for good grades... that's good. but don't 'casually' mention your CALI awards because you're looking for some sort of affirmation of worth from me. Grades don't impress me.

I hate competition. I hate feeling like I need to beat other people. But that is exactly the mentality that this place fosters. fuck it.

I can already feel negative comments coming to me because of this one... but anyone reading this should already know this is how I feel. And to be clear, this is mostly in reference to the up coming honors reception: aka, one giant circle jerk for the "smart kids." NO circle jerk for me, thank you very much. I know I did well... that's enough.

done.

Stuff Stephen Hates #4: people who can't read to themselves

GAAAAAAAa! I remember a time when I couldn't read without saying the words out loud. I think I was in second grade! Since then, I, like most people, have developed the ability to read to myself. I don't need to quietly (or not so quietly) mouth the words. I can just read them. Like, for instance, while I type this, is my mouth moving? NO!!! And you know why? BECAUSE I'M READING TO MYSELF!!!!!! GAAAAAAA!!!

Now, you may be saying to yourself (probably without actually saying anyting, because you're probably READING TO YOURSELF!!!!) "but Stephen, perhaps they don't realize they are making noises. Perhaps they are unconsciously reading out loud."
HOW DOES THAT MAKE IT ANY BETTER!!!!! Gaaa!!!!

*pant pant pant* I can't believe I have to get angry about this shit!

It's real simple for all you out loud readers out there. First, listen to yourself! Many people have the problem that they never actually pay any attention to anything outside of themselves.... so, reading out loud doesn't bother them because they have no fucking concept of the fact that other people are trying to do things/concentrate and those little whispers are totally audible and they are driving me FUCKING INSANE! (Little whispers are worse than a noisy din in many ways because my ears train on the quiet noise trying to figure out what it is). Second, reading to yourself is totally ok, when you're alone. Sure, sometimes when I'm proof reading, I'll read aloud to avoid editing mistakes. I do this in the privacy of my apartment....where no one, no one, no one! can hear me! GAAA!!! Third, if you must read out loud while in public, please, please please please please don't do it while in an othewise totally quiet class room while other people (me) are trying to study. GAAA!! Fourth, just try to be aware of your surroundings. Ok, what was I thinking... these people can't possibly do that.

Stuff Stephen Hates #3: the flash of the ass crack; or, /slapface! Cover that shit up! (addendum)

So, one of my beloved readers tipped me off to a story posted on TMZ about celebrity ass crack. Robbie Williams, in particular, amazes me. I mean, most of the others are accidential bending over incidents. (or in Jack Black's case, clearly intentional). But Robbie Williams has like his whole ass hanging out. COVER THAT SHIT UP!!!